Life keeps moving on

Yes, I woke up at another ungodly hour this morning. Again. At least it was 4 am. I only have a little longer until it is a decent time be wandering through the house. Having a hard time sleeping is only one of the awesome side effects of a miscarriage. Some of the others I won't go into detail about. You can research those lovely ones. My favorite, and I'm not being sarcastic, is the fact I have been using retail shopping as my therapy. I figured I could spend $1000 to see a shrink and maybe get some help, or have it hanging in my closet. I chose the latter. Although I am sure CJ is not too happy with my many recent purchases he has yet to say anything which is very unlike him. Although I know my shopping binge will have to end soon I am enjoying some of my new fall clothes. Thankfully I am getting paid on the 20th, that should make my bank account and my husband happy.

I know some of my friends are afraid I might not be grieving this appropriately or giving myself enough time. I don't really know how to grieve it, or what to do. I have yet to read a book on how to grieve the loss of a baby. A baby I wanted more than anything. A baby I spent two weeks in Belize talking to and letting myself become attached to. A baby who I still yearn for everyday, especially at four on Sunday morning. A baby I only had for four weeks before it was taken away from me. I am doing the best I can.

I am doing better and it is helping me that I have a class full of twenty adorable first graders to go to every morning. I am loving my class. Their sweet smiles are helping me cope.

As a way to become normal I posted our pictures of Belize on my Facebook page. I was so happy then. It took me a month to do because it is hard to look at those pictures. It was such a magical trip. It feels like years ago. So feel free to look at those and I highly encourage your next tropical vacation to be Belize. We loved it. It was such a calming, wonderful place. This picture is now my screensaver because it is so nice to look at. I took this on one of our boat rides out to snorkel the Barrier Reef.

my heart aches

and i don't know when i will be happy again. we found out this week i am in the midst of a miscarriage. i have no words for how i feel. we were supposed to be 8 weeks along. i have yet to completely miscarry and have to most likely go in for a procedure (d & c) next week. thankfully i have had to stay busy with new teacher orientation but coming home is absolutely dreadful. i am so sad and wonder if i'll ever be the old me. someone once said "death is not the worst thing that can happen to a person, what is worse is what dies within you." i now understand this. i feel empty. cj can't help, neither can my parents, and my sweet friends, who all have been wonderful in their own ways, can't help either. i feel numb. so numb.

that's all. maybe someday soon i'll post of our wonderful trip in belize, when we were celebrating being parents.

Canning!

This summer I decided I would try to do some canning. My mom and I used to make jam when I was little. Whenever I get a "wild hair" to do something I go all the way. I couldn't just make organic raspberry jam, I had to make organic blackberry and strawberry jams as well. I am also making three different kinds of pickles, jalapeno jelly, and tomato basil sauce. A lot of the ingredients are from our garden and yard. I picked 4 lbs of blackberries from our field! I was determined to make these organic and local. All of the veggies/fruits are either grown in my yard or from a local organic farmer. I am very happy to support local farmers all the while keeping my friends and family healthy!

I will post more pictures soon. I have only taken a few~ enjoy and let me know if you want some jam ;-)

One of eight jars of raspberry jam

Some of the blackberries I picked

Me after picking a lot of blackberries :)

Modern Day Slavery

Here is a very sad article about Portland and a world I know very little about. My mom has worked with different organizations to get the word out and to help stop this modern day slavery. Educate yourself, read it, and do something!

Dan Saltzman, Portland City Commisioner says: “There’s too many young girls whose futures are being sacrificed by our ignorance.”

Pray for Peyton

CJ's old recruiting partner, Trevor and his his wife Brittney are going through a really challenging time. Their daughter Peyton (2.5) got Ecoli which has caused Hemolytic Uremic Syndrome, while visiting an animal petting farm. She has been in Doernbecher for 12 days and still hasn't been released. Please keep little Peyton and the Janeck family in your prayers.

ubi caritas

ubi caritas et amor, Deus ibi est.
congregavit nos in unum Christi amor.
exultemus, et in ipso iucundemur.
timeamus, et amemus Deum vivum.
et ex corde diligamus nos sincero.

for a girlfriend who needs this right now

A Reunion of Sorts

I was quite nervous to attend my ten year high school reunion. I had an "interesting" high school experience as most people did. I attended LaSalle High School for the first two years. During my sophomore year I was pretty sick with an ovarian cyst and mono. I also had a boyfriend who attended Milwaukie HS. I transferred to Milwaukie at the start of my junior year thinking it would be awesome. Well, it was and it wasn't. Said boyfriend and I broke up and I had to find a whole new set of friends. Although I enjoyed both schools and made friends pretty easily, it was still a challenge. LaSalle was great because most everyone was coming there from a different junior high since it was a private high school. We all had to create new relationships. On the contrary, MHS had its core group of friends in my class. Coming in during the third year of HS made it pretty tough to break in. Although I was on dance team and became friends with a lot of the "in" group, it wasn't easy. When I graduated I was excited to move on. For the kids at MHS that were attending college they were either going to private school or Oregon State {insert yuck face!} I was super excited to leave high school behind and go to UO.

During college and post college I would run into some peeps here and there as well as "friend" them on Facebook. I knew what people were up to and they knew what I was up to. That seemed like enough to me. I was happy they were happy and hopefully they were happy I was.

Skip ahead 10 years and I have two reunions I have been invited to. MHS's reunion was held in June at the Rose Room at the Rose Garden. I did not want to go. I did not think I had good memories of HS. I hummed and hawed about going until CJ finally said, "yes, you are going! You will kick yourself for not going." And, he was right. I had a blast. I realized I had a great high school experience. I had friends, a full social calendar, I was prepared for college, and should not have felt nervous at all. It was so great to run into my old friends. Yes, there definitely was an OSU click that gave me a hard time but I remember why I enjoyed so many of the people that went there. I was so impressed with what they are doing with their lives and how they are giving back to the community. Nurses, teachers, counselors, business owners, engineers, pharmacists, and social workers to name a few! I even reconnected with some of the girls I loved in HS. I look forward to our next reunion but have faith that I will be seeing some of my friends sooner than that.

LaSalle's reunion is in September at Kennedy School.... hmm, do I go? :)